Category Archives: theology

Guns, God, Government.

Teaching Zeitgeist

German has two verbs that sound exactly the same when you use them in different ways. Today I had to explain that difference to my class.

Let us suppose we want to say “Helmut eats a cake.” That would be “Helmut isst einen Kuchen.” When used in the first-person singular form the verb “to eat” – isst – sounds exactly like the first-person singular verb “is” – ist. That one little “s” can make all the difference in the world. Therefore…

Helmut isst einen Kuchen. – Helmut eats a cake.
Helmut ist ein Kuchen. – Helmut is a cake.

Then I realized that there is little else separating cakes from humans. Both cakes and humans…

  • …are carbon based.
  • …require eggs, sugar, and oxygen.
  • …come in chocolate, vanilla, and a wide variety of flavors.
  • …celebrate birthdays and other holidays.

May the Almighty help us if the cakes learn to speak German.

[Edit] : A reader caught my nominative case error. Thanks!

Random Confessional

Forgive me Flying Spaghetti Monster for I have sinned. Below is a list of things I may or may not have done.

  • Sending paper plates as postcards through the mail.
  • Recommending with a straight face “Plan B” to a friend in full knowledge that it isn’t meant to be taken by men.
  • Calling the Stewart Hall call box demanding nachos.
  • Filling out magazine subscription cards with the names of friends and loved ones.
  • Sending credit card offers back filled with stale crackers and Skittles.
  • Demanding a new bag of M&M’s because the last one was “full of 3′s and W’s instead of M’s.”
  • Claiming that not taking insulin and having high blood sugars is a safe way to lose weight.
  • Screaming in Taco Bell that the employee with the “G-Money” tattoo on his neck is “rollin’ in Hamiltons.”
  • Asserting that German is “the true language of love.”
  • Asserting shortly thereafter that the French language comes exclusively from “Canada – America’s Hat.”

I encourage you to share your confessions, real or fabricated, in fellowship with me. You may post under a pseudonym if you so desire.

Business Set-Backs

The Wisconsin Supreme Court has upheld a ruling that Ken’s Holy Orthodox Church of Pancakes is not a legitimate religious organization. As such, the business… err… religion… can no longer continue to enjoy its ridiculously profitable tax-exempt status. This is an utter outrage and I swear to fight the ruling to my dying breath. Ken’s Holy Orthodox Church of Pancakes will continue to sell pancakes ordained by the Almighty Batter, from whom all deliciousness flows. We will also continue unabated in our conversion of the heretical Ken’s Holy Reformed Church of Pancakes and its infidel members.

A Childhood Christian Melody

When I was a wee lad my parents sent me to a private Lutheran minimum security prison school. Lutherans have a long running tradition of singing during worship. Some of the songs I had to memorize still stick with me to this day. Most I just faintly remember the melodies. One of those is Jesus Loves the Little Children. The other day I had some trouble remembering the actual lyrics so I just made up my own.

Jesus loves Hot Pockets
All Hot Pockets of the world
Pepperoni, sausage, cheese
All are yummy in their sleeves
Jesus loves Hot Pockets of the world!

I believe my interpretation falls under the parody clause of Fair Use. I’d like to see if God will sue me again.