Nouns are the words for persons, places, things, or abstract qualities.<\/p>\n
In English we capitalize personal names because in America we like to raise kids to think \u201ceveryone is special in their own way.\u201d You aren\u2019t. Everyone has a capital letter in front of their name. You are not special. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. The word \u201cI<\/em>\u201d is always going to be capitalized too.<\/p>\n Names of official places, offices, and points of location are also capitalized. New York, Wisconsin, Honolulu, Lake Titicaca, Fire Department, Triangle City Square<\/em>, Wal-Mart Avenue<\/em>, and Dave\u2019s Discount Urologist Megamart\/Payday Loans<\/em>. Got it? Super.<\/p>\n So are formal titles like our last unquestionably and legitimately elected Commander in Chief<\/em>, President <\/em>Clinton. As far as I\u2019m concerned Mr.<\/em> Bush is about all the respect the current guy holding the office deserves. When Senator<\/em> Obama is elected we will refer to him as President<\/em> Obama. If Senator<\/em> McCain is elected I will seek asylum in Germany.<\/p>\n Writing the noun for another foreign language needs to be capitalized. English, German, Spanish, Russian, Chinese, Newspeak<\/em>, etcetera ad nauseum until English<\/em> is the only language left due to globalization.<\/p>\n All other things and abstract qualities that make up the rest of all nouns are not capitalized. Unless it appears as the first word in a sentence, then \u201cnoun\u201d isn\u2019t even capitalized. English is cruel and confusing like that.<\/p>\n So what makes German nouns, or \u00dcbernomen<\/em> as I like to call them, superior to English nouns in every way?<\/p>\n In German a Nomen<\/em> (noun) is always capitalized (notice how I capitalized Nomen<\/em> earlier in the sentence. Awesome.). Capitalize just the first letter though. Otherwise you run the risk of being one of those ANNOYING PEOPLE WHO FALL ASLEEP ON THE CAPS-LOCK KEY when you write. German words for people, places, things, and abstract qualities all are capitalized no matter where they appear in a sentence. A Nomen<\/em> is easier to spot in German than in English because 99% of the time it is going to be capitalized. The remaining 1% are reserved for Apple products like the iMac, iPod, iPhone et al.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s take a look at some Nomen<\/em> in this sentence. Grab a Sharpie marker and circle the Nomen<\/em> on your computer screen.<\/p>\n G\u00fcnther Rockmysocksoffenstein<\/em> (name) besuchte Berlin<\/em> (place) mit seiner Gitarre<\/em> (thing) und Schwanken<\/em> (abstract and questionable translation to follow).<\/p>\n G\u00fcnther Rockmysocksoffenstein<\/em> (name) visited Berlin<\/em> (place) with his Guitar<\/em> (thing) and swagger<\/em> (abstract).<\/p>\n German also has a peculiar rule when it comes to nouns. If you are a boy read Boy Paragraph A<\/strong>, if you are a girl read Girl Paragraph B<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Boy Paragraph A:<\/strong> Girl Paragraph B:<\/strong> A compound noun is two German Nomen<\/em> mashed together. It is theoretically possible to mash as many coherent nouns together to adequately describe the intricate details of a person, place, thing, or abstract quality.<\/p>\n One such legitimate example would be: Donaudampfshiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitaenskajuetenschluesseloch<\/em><\/p>\n This would roughly translate to: The keyhole of the door of the cabin of the captain of a steamship \u2028company operating on the Danube<\/em><\/p>\n The primary piece of advice Douglas Adam\u2019s Hitchhiker\u2019s Guide to the Galaxy gives us is \u201cdon\u2019t panic.\u201d This is meaningful advice in this scenario as most German compound nouns are not that long. Most are a logical combination of just two or three words.<\/p>\n Try to guess what you get when you combine the German word for \u201cmain\u201d and \u201ccity\u201d together. Haupt<\/em> + Stadt<\/em> = Haupstadt<\/em> or capital city<\/em>. Let\u2019s try it with three words crammed into one. Take the German words for \u201carm\u201d and \u201cband\u201d along with \u201cclock.\u201d Arm<\/em> + Band<\/em> + Uhr<\/em> = Armbanduhr<\/em> or wristwatch<\/em>. You can see in Hauptstadt<\/em> and Armbanduhr <\/em>that only the first letter is capitalized. This is true for all compound nouns. Writing HauptStadt<\/em> and ArmBandUhr<\/em> would be incorrect.<\/p>\n Be aware that compacting words together and guessing at their logical meaning is not always so easy. One of my favorite Nomen<\/em> has no real definitive English translation. That word is Schadenfreude<\/em>. As a compound noun Schadenfreude<\/em> is comprised of the words for \u201cto harm\/do damage\u201d and \u201cjoy\/happiness.\u201d Schaden<\/em> + Freude<\/em> = Schadenfreude<\/em> or \u201cthe enjoyment of another\u2019s pain or suffering.\u201d Why do you laugh when you see a home video of someone getting hit in a sensitive area during ABC\u2019s primetime TV programming? It is a bit of an abstract concept, but that is what Schadenfreude<\/em> is. You laugh because someone else got hurt.<\/p>\n Example:<\/strong> I saw Bob Saget\u2019s manbits get clubbed on TV and it made me feel (a guilty kind of) happy.<\/em><\/p>\n Perpetual capitalization and the intimidation factor presented by compound nouns are why German nouns are superior to English nouns in every way fathomable. If you think that\u2019s the end of it, you would be wrong. There is even more to the \u00dcbernomen<\/em> that I have not covered. Nomen<\/em> have a feature that is absent in English, namely the assignment of one of four possible genders. That, my friends, will have to wait for another day. I just blew your minds and you\u2019ll need some time to clean the itty bits of brain from the inside of your skull.<\/p>\n Addendum: Nomen<\/em> is not to be confused with the club NoMen on 19th and Harrison Avenue down by the docks. I totally made a fool of myself trying to pick up chicks there once. The dance music was really good though.<\/p>\n Corrections and suggestions are welcome via the comments.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Nouns are the words for persons, places, things, or abstract qualities. In English we capitalize personal names because in America we like to raise kids to think \u201ceveryone is special in their own way.\u201d You aren\u2019t. Everyone has a capital letter in front of their name. You are not special. You are not a beautiful … Continue reading Ken\u2019s German Lessons \u2013 Supernouns<\/span>
\nRemember when you were a young boy and you would mash two toy cars together simulating a horrible accident? Well imagine that each car is a noun. Now mash the two noun-cars together. Walla! The horrible pile of shorn metal you\u2019ve smashed is now one whole new noun \u2013 a.k.a. compound noun.<\/p>\n
\nRemember when you were a young girl and you would put your Barbie dolls on top of each other pretending they were kissing? Well imagine that Barbie and Ken each symbolized a noun. Now mash their lips together and wait nine months. The love-child-noun that Barbie and Ken created is a new word entirely \u2013 a.k.a. compound noun.<\/p>\n
\nIch sah in dem Fernseher Bob Sagets Hoden geschlagen und f\u00fchlte Schadenfreude.<\/em><\/p>\n