Category Archives: genius

Skype Contest

My Skype number is going to expire on May 28 and I will not be renewing it. Other than my parents and the occaisional telemarketer I do not get very many calls or voice messages with it. I could extend it for another three month chunk, but I will only be here for two. I don’t think it is worth it thanks to e-mail, instant messangers, SMS, and video chat. What does this mean for you?

It means that you have a week to leave me the most messed up message. It does not necessarily have to be obscene, but those who craft a funny message without will get bonus points. My Skype number is an Oshkosh area number so local rates apply. You won’t get hit with an international charge because the messages are forwarded to me over the interwebtubes when I login to Skype.

The best message will receive something german in return for their efforts. Caller must clearly identify themselves in the message. Multiple entries will be accepted. Winners for this contest will be decided on criteria totally made up by me at the moment of judging. Messages left may be posted (with names removed) at a future date on this website.

You can reach my Skype message box by calling 920-626-4536. You have until May 28!

Reader Mail?

Today I went to my diminuitive mailbox and was pleasently suprised by a light blue envelope. Without thinking I tore open the thing expecting some sappy love note from my girlfriend. Wait a minute…

two fingers

It has been a while since I’ve had my prostate checked for cancer, but normally my physician doesn’t send out such subtle reminders. I checked the return address on the envelope and it originated from Eau Claire, Wisconsin. I’ve sent mail in other people’s names before (might be a crime), but the post office mark also supports that it came Eau Claire. The back of the card is purple and only says “Thinking of you…” It is clear by the cut on one side that this was a card given previously to someone. Most peculiar. If you are the one responsible for this ruse, by all means, make yourself known. I had quite a laugh.

If you too would like to send me crap in Germany my address is:

Ken Fager
Ernst-Lemmer-Strasse 15
35041 Marburg, Zimmer Nr. 01-16
Deutschland

[Update: The sender has made himself known in the comments. Thanks for coming forward!]

Gott schafft uns. Wer macht Christ?

If you believe in some form of Christianity you believe that God formed all that is in six days and rested on the seventh. These exploits are well documented in the beginning of His perennial best-seller The Old Testament. The sequel, The New Testament, chronicles the day-to-day excursions of His son Jesus Christ. The popularity of the New Testament is huge among Christian fans, but not so much among God’s own chosen people, the Jews. Despite the disparity in sales figures God continues to lead on the New York Times Bestseller List.

In many ways Jesus followed in the footsteps of his father. He walked around and did way neato things for people who would come to see him. The Romans cut short his 33 year tour here on Earth, playing to record capacity crowds, but his legacy lived on. His band mates continued to cover his material well after his death with varying degrees of success at various venues. Jesus did amazing things during his time here on Earth, but one particular aspect is not fully fleshed out in great detail in The New Testament. The New Testament mentions that Jesus was a carpenter. We can assume, therefore, that Jesus had a creative side and a knack for creating useful household items such as tables, chairs, and other furnishings. Jesus’ heavenly Father was an interior decorator and the young entrepreneur tried his hand at the craft on his own.

christinteriors.jpg

Located just off Königsplatz (King’s Place) in Kassel, Germany, is this small and unassuming interior decoration business. The logo states “Wir schaffen Wohn(t)räume.” Without the “t” this means “We create living spaces.” With the “t” included it translates to “We create living (dream) rooms.” Very clever wordplay on Jesus part. He also gets points for incorporating the plural pronoun as part of the catch-phrase incorporating the triune nature of His deity.

Note: The business was not open because it was the Sabbath.

Intellectual Word Play

“He had a stroke of genius.”

Questions:

  1. Why do great and revolutionary ideas occur in strokes?
  2. Is it not potentially life threatening then, to be a genius?
  3. Would said stroke and its effects impair the genius’ capability to relate the idea to others?
  4. Is is possible to have a “gran mal seizure” of genius?
  5. Are the maladies that follow such monumental moments of genius limited to the brain? e.g. A heart attack of clarity. An infarction of prodigy. Renal failure of brilliance. Diabetes of erudition.
  6. Would I have to then alert my insurance company of my intelligence quotient, thereby making it more difficult to obtain adequate heath insurance coverage?
  7. (Darwin Warning: Christians jump ahead to question 9.) Is it possible that nature has a built in Darwinian mechanism to severely limit the reproductive capabilities of geniuses by striking them with such maladies?
  8. If yes to question 7.: Does the function of such maladies serve a purpose, that being mantaining the intellectual hegemony of the species?
  9. (This question is for the bible thumpers who dispute Darwin out of hand.) Why does God love to smite the smarties?

The God Machine

Deus ex machina seeks oil-based lubrication and followers. Engineers with machine-tool experience will be given priority. Oil industry personnel need not apply, while deus ex machina only uses perpetually sustainable environment friendly energy sources.

Operation Übertaco Update

Ü-tag + 18

einhorn

All operatives now work for the front company, which will provide funding for our extended operations. Einhornjäger GmbH is a public service that does what its name says, hunt and kill the nefarious and magical unicorn. All employees are to henceforth be known as Meistereinhornjäger, or master unicorn hunters. Trust me on this one… I know what I am doing.

Into the Void

boo

There comes a time in every man’s life where the fire dims to but glowing embers. Genesis 3:19 states “…from dust you are and unto dust you shall return.” It is my wish after I shed my mortal coil that my ashen remains be placed in the care of loving family members. In their undying love for me they will distribute my ashes in pepper shakers secretly placed in restaurants throughout the greater Green Bay area.

Donate Today

I was recently approached by a volunteer working for the Red Cross who asked I would be interested in donating blood. I politely told her that it was not in the best interest of the public. When asked why by the naive volunteer I calmly replied, “Because I’m coming back from my monthly Vampire Amateur Blood Transfusion Anonymous Cosplay Bacchanalia/Pot Luck Dinner/Dirty Syringe Swap Meet also known as San Francisco circa 1979.” The look on the volunteer’s face was blank while her mind was trying to assimilate all of these elements as I calmly walked away.

Operation Übertaco Software

I picked up a Palm Tungsten C to handle all of my day to day organization and translation needs. It has an ultra fast 400Mhz Xscale processor, keyboard, Wi-Fi, and the best part is it is not a cell phone. It was cheap on eBay and does what I need it to do. Operation Übertaco operatives should consider installing the following apps.

Docs to Go

Documents to Go can handle all my Word, Powerpoint, and Excel documents. Comes in handy when editing this presentation on Homosexuality and High School Education. I got an A+ on this assignment.

Easy Tour

Easy Tour is the Swiss Army Knife of travel programs. It has everything from currency conversion, size charts, English to Metric conversion, timers, clocks, and all sorts of alarms. Saves a lot of time and hassle.

LingvoSoft

Lingvosoft for quick language translation. Simple yet effective. Contains a lot of colloquialisms.
MD Dict

MS Dict is a better dictionary despite its slower interface.

NES

NesEm for all my Nintendo ROMS. Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A B A Select Start.

MunduIM

MunduIM for all my messaging needs. Works with Yahoo!, MSN, AIM, and ICQ.

TV

NoviiRemote has about 500 remote codes for various consumer electronics. TVs are thine enemy. Smite them with this.

Wi-Fi Where

Wi-Fi Where handles all your Wi-Fi signal locating needs. Notice all the open networks. Notice how dumb people are in labeling them. Gee… I wonder what someone could do with an open network?

ZTA pwnd

I’m in ur networkz, pwnin ur bandwidthz.

no

This is the reason you lock your network. The above image was censored for the good of humanity.