Category Archives: deutsch

FedUp with FedEx

What is the fastest, most reliable, and cheapest way to ship a package overseas? It isn’t FedEx.

My family shelled out $270 USD to ship a package from Green Bay, Wisconsin to Marburg, Germany. I recommended using UPS or DHL for better results, but I can understand my mother’s concern. She is a nurse, after all, and the contents of the package are things that I cannot live without. It contains insulin, syringes, and blood glucose strips to treat diabetes. Mind you that insulin should not go without refrigeration for an extended period, hence the steep amount of money paid for post haste delivery. The package was dropped off on June 7.

Believing the package to be en route I merely waited for someone to ring my doorbell. If I was not home I expected a little card to be placed in my mailbox saying something to the effect of:

We tried to deliver this package, but you were not available. How can we get this package to you in a timely manner? Here is our contact information. Thank You, FedEx

After some time I began to get worried when nothing showed up. Naively I told myself that this kind of stuff happens all the time. People here have shared similar stories of packages originating from the United States not arriving on time. So I filed the thought in the back of my mind until more pressing issues were resolved. When I finally checked the status on their website and it read “Clearance Delay.” I called FedEx and they told me that they required a copy of my plane ticket, a copy of my passport, and a written statement before it could be sent out. I would have to fax all of these details to Frankfurt. Getting a copy of my ticket, a copy of my passport, and a written statement faxed out took quite some time and 0.90 Euro. After all was said and done I called FedEx the next day to ensure that they received my fax. They confirmed and I breathed a sigh of relief. All should be well.

It can be difficult to deliver a package when someone is not home. However, I cannot sit around and wait for this box to show up. There are lectures to attend, homework to stumble through, and other necessary obligations. So when I got home this last Wednesday night I received an e-mail that said “Unable to collect payment.” I immediately called FedEx to ask what was wrong now. They told me that an attempt to deliver the package was made, but I had “refused the package.” I was floored by this revelation. How could I have “refused the package” when I had not even spoken to anyone? They said, and I quote, “Maybe one of your flat-mates didn’t want to pay the fee.” How could anyone have told the delivery person that I wasn’t going to pay? I live in a single room… alone. There is no way one of my “flat-mates” could have told the delivery person that. Yes, please, do tell. How much is this fee? “69.41 Euro.”

Insulin is something you cannot live without and, unfortunately, my pancreas staged a successful coup de tat 13 years ago. I have no choice in the matter than but to pay this fee. The proposition of living for close to a month without proper medical treatment would be detrimental, if not downright fatal. Anticipating the collection of dues I walked down the street to the closest Sparkasse ATM and withdrew 100 Euro. I know exactly what the exchange rate was at that moment because my online account says I took out 134.63 USD. So 69.41 Euro after the exchange rate comes to 93.45 USD. Tack 1 USD onto that for the ATM fee.

But why the 69.41 Euro fee? When you send goods German customs charges a Duty-and-Tax Reclaim fee according to the “Ancillary Clearance Fees – Germany” page on fedex.com. I would like to think that the local Wisconsin FedEx representative informed my family of this nominal fee before agreeing to ship the package, but my instinct tells me that they did not. Nor did I have any indication on the tracking page to suspect any sort of impending fees. What happens when the delivery person arrives at the door and John College-Student has nothing but pocket change for laundry handy? Is it not logistically then more expensive for the shipping company to pay the man-hours to redeliver the parcel?

Seething to the brink with anger I informed FedEx that I would be home Friday, June 22 in the morning. They said that the delivery would come between 8 a.m. and noon. Just for extra precaution I put a note with my cell phone number on it next to the doorbell.

Note

Shortly after noon I received an e-mail update on the status of my package. What could it be this time? “Incorrect address.” The FedEx representative on the other line rattled off the address on the package to me line by line.

Kenneth Fager. – That’s me.
Ernst-Lemmer-Strasse? – Check.
House number 15? – You bet.
Marburg? – Affirmative.

Please note that the delivery person was able to locate my living quarters when I was not home on Wednesday, but unable to successfully locate it on Friday. Locating a correct address with “faulty” information is a spectacular feat. Being unable to locate an address with correct information after previously being there boggles the mind. All this drama, despite the note next to my name on the doorbell that said I would be there and had a phone number to call. The representative said that they would call back in a few minutes after this situation was worked out. Slightly over an hour later I received a call that the package would be delivered on Monday, June 25 between 8 a.m. and noon. For some reason I had my doubts that this would be accomplished.
Monday morning and I am wide-awake at 8. For some nagging reason I cannot fall back to sleep. I went downstairs to check to see if my note was still down there. Yes, it is. Now all I have to do is wait some more. By noon there was still no package in my possession and I wasted no time calling FedEx. They assured me that the package is en route and would be delivered by 5 that evening.

Finally, at 2:20 p.m., a delivery person showed up with my package. The first thing I noticed was that he was not wearing a FedEx uniform. I did not quite catch the name of the delivery service, but do recall being rather offended by the idea that FedEx may have passed the buck on this one. I forked over the 69.45 Euro and headed back inside. Fortunately the contents of the package arrived in sound condition.

The accompanying paperwork outside the box made everything clear. The invoices filled out and signed by my father have the correct information verbatim. The accompanying statements from my doctor also have the correct information verbatim. It was not until the package arrived into the possession of Federal Express Europe, Inc. that things got messed up. They copied my information incorrectly on their delivery sticker. Kenneth Fager suddenly became Kenneth Faerern. Keep in mind that my correct name and address were visible all over the package in multiple places.

Invoice

Magical Name Change

The thing that really gets me going about this whole situation is that FedEx never informed me of the problems with my package until I contacted them. Every step of the way I had to poke and prod them. Every day that my package sat waiting for clearance and delivery, charges were stacked up without my knowledge. What kind of customer service is this? My insulin has been sitting God-knows-where for over two weeks degrading every moment it is not in cold storage. I just hope the vials have not been baking in some delivery truck. I have just enough supplies to last a week. I literally am on my last vial of NPH and blood glucose test strips. It just may have been easier and cheaper to ship each item innocuously via regular mail.

Summarization of time and money spent to get this package:

  • 270 USD to send the package
  • 1.21 USD to send a fax*
  • 93.45 USD for the tariffs*
  • 1 USD for the ATM charge
  • 5x phone calls
  • 2x 25-minute bus rides
  • 2x 4 hour periods of promised delivery times
  • *=converted from Euro (1 Euro = 1.3634 USD)
  • Ship Date: June 7
  • Estimated Arrival: June 11
  • Actual Arrival: June 25

FedEx’s website has a page that outlines their mission statement. Under “loyalty” it says, “We earn the respect and confidence of our FedEx people, customers and investors every day, in everything we do.” I believe their pledge of loyalty to the customer to be an absolute farce. They have not earned my respect or confidence, but instead robbed me of time and given me nothing but stress for the past week.

This scenario is more than likely an exception to the rule. However, as a frequent seller of goods on eBay, I now refuse to consider FedEx as a shipping option. I hereby will not recommend their services and will go out of my way to avoid using them. If you have a package to ship overseas your best bets are going to be UPS or DHL. I can say with a certain degree of assurance that when I had problems shipping goods in the past, UPS and DHL were quick to rectify the issue.

Ach die Ironie

Just now I came across the german word Jammer. Resorting to my trusty book-o-words I have come to discover that der Jammer means the following:

  • lament
  • ruefulness
  • misery

How utterly fitting. Part of my private education can be summed up in its entirety with those three words. My least favorite teacher bore that word as a last name. Oh, the irony.

Herzlichen Danken

A big heartfelt thank you goes out to the reader who donated while I was away in Munich. Visiting Bavaria was a tad expensive, but well worth it. I will be eating frugally until I leave Germany in early August. Along with the 5 Euro in bottles I brought back for a refund, you paid for the following food items.

  • Salted Peanuts
  • Strawberry Jam
  • 500g Strawberries
  • Garlic Bread Baguette
  • Wheat Bread
  • Granola Bars
  • Lasagna
  • Nacho Chips
  • Cheddar Cheese
  • Gratine Cheese
  • 200g Meat
  • 1L Milk
  • 2x Pizza
  • 3x Yogurt
  • 2x Licher Export .5L
  • Rother Bräu .5L
  • 1 Lottery Ticket (4 Euro won)

Looking at this list you may ask, “Is beer really necessary?” Yes. Yes it is. At only 0.70 Euro at the grocery store it is. At the local pubs a beer that size will set you back on average 2.75 Euro.

I don’t normally discuss family matters on my site as a rule, but this also warrants mention. Special thanks to Mom and Dad who forked over $270 to FedEx in order for my prescriptions to arrive in an orderly fashion.

Scariest Church Building Ever

A while back I was wandering down to the Museumsufer (museum district) of Frankfurt when I came across a most peculiar church. As John Q. Potentialnewbeliever walking down the street, how inviting does this look to you?

Scientology

This is the heart of Scientology in Frankfurt. I’m really not suprised that their main street-level door would be sheet metal with an ominous camera hole. The Bundesregierung (government) does not officially recognize Scientology as a religion for good reason. They have all the markings of a highly organized totalitarian cult. Scientology is a religion founded by L. Ron Hubbard in which members have to pay to advance to the highest level. Tom Cruise and John Travolta are the to two most famous celebrities involved in the religion. Obviously for everyone else without the clout the financial hurdle makes it a bit difficult to obtain the highest level.

Not only does Scientology sqeeze money out of its followers, but it also harasses anyone who attempts to investigate the cult. The BBC recently ran a controversial piece on the program Panorama. The Church also has been waging an ongoing crusade against internet websites such as Operation Clambake. This site regularly gets DMCA take-down notices sent to major search engines, which temporarily block access to anyone looking to brush up on Scientology facts. If you are looking for an entertaining way to find out just what Scientologists believe, I highly recommend the South Park episode entitled “Trapped in the Closet.” If you live the L.A. area you can wander on over to the Scientology Museum installation called Psychiatry: An Industry of Death, where they claim that Psychiatry is nothing but Nazi science. I would need a steel door on my church too if I made such ridiculous claims.

On Generosity, Exploration, and Lederhosen

First order of business. I would like to thank the reader who donated last week for their contribution to my study abroad experience. Last week my Airport card stopped functioning, essentially cutting me off from all means of communication with family and friends back home. You paid for most of a DWL-G122 USB WiFi stick, which after some extensive hacking, works very well with OS X. Thank you very much and keep an eye on your mailbox. Reader contributions go toward legitimate needs. The exchange rate is hovering at about 1.35 US per 1 Euro. This makes everything 1/3 more expensive. I really do appreciate not having to worry about some of the minor expenses.

On Thursday, June 7 I will be making my way into Bayern (Bavaria) to the historic city of München (Munich). This will be the last “big” journey for me until the end of the semester. I plan on making it a good one by visiting Neuschwanstein and Konzentrationslager-Dachau. Of course you cannot go to München and not enjoy some of the local Brauerei (breweries).

When it comes to donations I cannot be picky. The axim “Beggars can’t be choosers” certainly applies. I do not make specific requests normally, but this one is too good to pass up. I have purchased some small Germany related momentos in the past. I have a stack of postcards, requisite pieces of the Berliner Mauer (Berlin Wall), Krieg der Sterne: Das Imperium schlägt zurrück (Empire Strikes Back), and a scarf. However there is one thing that would trump all: Genuine Bavarian Lederhosen.

Lederhosen

If you can help me offset the cost of a pair of Lederhosen I promise the following. I will record myself dancing and singing a german drinking song. I will then post it to the interwebernettubes for all to enjoy. I leave for München next Thursday morning and will be there for only three days. Hell, I’ll even wear these things back home by request for all who donate. Even if I don’t have enough to justify the cost, your donation will go towards food, razors, and other daily expenses. It is for a good cause.
[donate]

Das Reinheitsgebot

The Rheinheitsgebot, or German Purity Law, is the oldest law pertaining to the safety of Bier. Originally placed in the lawbooks in 1516, there are still a few breweries around today that still follow the provisions set forth. However, my friends, as with all things pertaining to deutsche Gesetze (german laws) there is always more that lies beneath the bureaucracy. This weekend I discovered a little law called das Geheimnisbiergradausteilungsundschutzvonauslanderngesetz von April 1945. Ready for the English translation? Secret Beer Grade Distribution and Protection from Foreigners Law of April 1945. In the turmoil this little law pertaining to beer drew little notice from the public. There were, after all, larger problems at hand.

The locals do not talk about it. Nor do they respond in kind when you approach them in an academic fashion thanks to its horrible origins. My discovery of this secret came only through months of infiltration. I have spent months at a local Kneipe (pub). I believe my blonde hair, blue eyes, and improved grasp of the german language when drinking led the barkeep to believe I was one of them. When only regulars were sitting around the bar in the early morning hours, he offered me something unnexpected when I asked him what was good. He replied, “Möchtest du etwas anders probieren? Vielleicht *ein Ultrabier* diese Runde für dich?” The way he said *ein Ultrabier* made it irresistable. Little did I know, what I was truly in for.

One sip of the amber and I was removed from all inhibition. German unity and its implications were suddenly made completely clear. The cited works of Goethe, Schiller, Herder, and other great german authors flooded out of my previously uncultured mouth. Melodies composed by Mozart, Beethoven, and Haydn were played with ease through my fingers. The intricacies of the subjunctives, a stumbling block for many the german and german studying student alike, made perfect sense. This was Ultrabier. This was their great secret.

While the Ultraalkohol of Ultrabier worked its way through every corpuscle in my body, I was able to learn of another secret brew. It is called Omnibier, and it is only drunk by those who have tasted no other alcohol stemming from outside the borders of Germany. Omnibier is so potent that it is only legally allowed to be consumed as the last drink of those that are dying. Witnesses say that once consumed, the fate of all who they have come into contact with during their lifetime is made known, and is the last thing the person sees before they die. First-hand accounts state that the smile that comes to their face cannot be removed even post mortum.

My liver and kidneys did their job purging the Ultraalkohol from my system. In a yellow stream, all that I had sung, cited, and debated over had disappeared in a haze. My amazing ability to craft the most complex sentences in german disappeared. Forget Absinthe, Ultrabier is my new love.

Skype Contest

My Skype number is going to expire on May 28 and I will not be renewing it. Other than my parents and the occaisional telemarketer I do not get very many calls or voice messages with it. I could extend it for another three month chunk, but I will only be here for two. I don’t think it is worth it thanks to e-mail, instant messangers, SMS, and video chat. What does this mean for you?

It means that you have a week to leave me the most messed up message. It does not necessarily have to be obscene, but those who craft a funny message without will get bonus points. My Skype number is an Oshkosh area number so local rates apply. You won’t get hit with an international charge because the messages are forwarded to me over the interwebtubes when I login to Skype.

The best message will receive something german in return for their efforts. Caller must clearly identify themselves in the message. Multiple entries will be accepted. Winners for this contest will be decided on criteria totally made up by me at the moment of judging. Messages left may be posted (with names removed) at a future date on this website.

You can reach my Skype message box by calling 920-626-4536. You have until May 28!

Zu Heiß

Dieser Tag zeigt das Thermometer 32 Grad. Für die Amerikaner, dass bedeutet ungefähr 90 Grad Fahrenheit. Ich machte den Fehler, nach die Uni mit meinem Fahrrad zu fahren. Und jetzt bin ich mit Schwitze voll gesattigt. Ich brauche eine Düsche, aber ich glaube meinen Blützuckerwert niedrig ist.  Ich bin voll überzeugt, dass  Erdwärmung existiert. Ich erinnere mich nicht von einem Mai so warm. Diese ganze Woche will heiß sein. Hoffentlich ist dieses Wochenende auch schön, weil ich die Lust Köln zu sehen habe, aber ich hoffe nicht so heiß. Leider muss ich zuerst alle meine Hausaufgabe machen.

Reader Mail?

Today I went to my diminuitive mailbox and was pleasently suprised by a light blue envelope. Without thinking I tore open the thing expecting some sappy love note from my girlfriend. Wait a minute…

two fingers

It has been a while since I’ve had my prostate checked for cancer, but normally my physician doesn’t send out such subtle reminders. I checked the return address on the envelope and it originated from Eau Claire, Wisconsin. I’ve sent mail in other people’s names before (might be a crime), but the post office mark also supports that it came Eau Claire. The back of the card is purple and only says “Thinking of you…” It is clear by the cut on one side that this was a card given previously to someone. Most peculiar. If you are the one responsible for this ruse, by all means, make yourself known. I had quite a laugh.

If you too would like to send me crap in Germany my address is:

Ken Fager
Ernst-Lemmer-Strasse 15
35041 Marburg, Zimmer Nr. 01-16
Deutschland

[Update: The sender has made himself known in the comments. Thanks for coming forward!]