For the past two months I have been working third shift at Festival Foods here in Oshkosh. Last Thursday I turned in my two-week notice to allow adequate time for the final preparations for Operation Übertaco. Working third shift can be slow and monotonous and gives a man a lot of time to think. In the middle of aisle 13 at 4 a.m., the waning hour of the soul, silence was shattered as I broke out into maniacal laughter. An idea most nefarious in nature sprung into my mind. Quitting my employment at Festival would be too easy. Rather than merely punch out after my tenure I plan on doing something much more fun. On my last day I plan on executing the following plan, which I will dub “Pirate Plunder 110%!”
Around midnight the third shift stockers take a 15-minute break. Rather than punch back in after this break I will forget to do so. This way I am off the clock when I make my exit. Shortly before 12:30 a.m. a shopper will make their way down the aisle I am working in. The presence of the shopper will alert me that the plan is about to commence. When the shopper passes I will cough to give the okay to go ahead or a hello to wait a few minutes. The shopper will exit the building and purchase a small item on the way out. The shopper will inform the team of at least three more people waiting outside of my location. The shopper will return with at least three other shoppers. The group of shoppers will separate into adjacent aisles and put on their pirate regalia (now known as “pirates”). Half will go the far end and the other two will wait at the front end of the aisle where I am located. The pirates will approach me quickly, grab me by the shoulders and begin to drag me out of the store. One of the pirates will be charged with handing a “ransom” note to one of my coworkers. The note will contain an explanation of what just happened for those without a sense of humor.
Let me know if you want in. Details will be hashed out.