On the journey to becoming a man I had many missteps, but my father was always there to give sage advice. One of those nuggets of wisdom was, “If you truly love someone, tell them how you feel and be honest.” This was of course easier said than done. Thankfully I understand now what he meant.

I love Hot Pockets Chile con Carne and they don’t have them in the US. It pains me to think that I will be seperated from my spicy-available-only-in-Germany love. Being a man I took matters into my own hands and laid my feelings out on the table.

The letter reads:

Dear Hot Pocket People,

In Germany I ate these like a meth addict craves crystal meth. Why do they not exist in the US? WHY?! The flavor-gasm alone is worth the import fees. Please make it easier for me to become morbidly obese like my hero and child actor Robert Stack. (He was the guy from Unsolved Mysteries.)

Heart Love,

Ken