Category Archives: genius

Ask Marx and Engels

What can a book published in 1848 tell us about the current economic difficulties plaguing our nation? Things to keep in mind from the past eight years: decline in US quality of life, unregulated economic markets, lax credit lending, war-profiteering, and mass consumerism.

It is enough to mention the commercial crises that by their periodical return put on trial, each time more threateningly, the existence of the entire bourgeois society. In these crises a great part not only of the existing products, but also of the previously created productive forces, are periodically destroyed. In these crises there breaks out an epidemic that, in all earlier epochs, would have seemed an absurdity – the epidemic of overproduction. Society suddenly finds itself put back into a state of momentary barbarism; it appears as if a famine, a universal war of devastation had cut off the supply of every means of subsistence; industry and commerce seem to be destroyed; and why? Because there is too much civilization, too much means of subsistence, too much industry, too much commerce.

-The Communist Manifesto

Lexicon Zeitgeist

bowdlerize – to physically remove material from a book deemed improper, thereby negatively impacting the message of the literary work

Taken from recent headlines. I find censorship in schools to be a futile exercise. Banning books in schools does not prevent ambitious readers from getting them at public libraries, book stores, or even (scandel!) the internet. It is a repugnant practice that diminishes educational possibilities. It shuts the door on open dialogue.

Without further ado. Pretend that I am Jewish and practice the laws of Kosher.

As a faithful and practicing Jew I find Dr. Suess’ book “Green Eggs and Ham” to be highly offensive. All references to ham will be ripped out of the book before my first grade class is allowed to read the book. I have to bowdlerize this book to make it acceptable for others.

I will never claim to be a good Jew because, let’s face it, I love ham. Nor am I implying that Jews actually do this. But, bowdlerizing not only dimishes the literary merit of a work, but it impinges one’s beliefs of what is acceptable onto another.

Lexicon Zeitgeist

bricolage – construction or creation from a diverse range of things

In the layman’s terminology…

Using all available means of persuasion for attaining one’s goals. Professor Gemin explains it in the following scenario.

I’m staying at a hotel and I have locked myself outside of the room. My wallet is inside the room and I have no means of convincing the staff of who I am. The staff refuse to let me in the room and are threatening to call the police. Explaining that my wallet is in the room clearly has not worked. Instead of pushing the point I state that my medication is in the room. If I do not get my medication I will become very sick. This statement is intentionally vague. The staff contemplates the possibilities of a guest becoming very sick and seeking monetary retribution against the hotel. The staff then agrees to let me into the hotel room. That, my friends, is bricolage.

A Time to Celebrate

Yesterday I asked my “better nine-tenths” if she would marry me.

Kaela said yes.

Now is a time to celebrate. The woman I love is going to marry me. I could not be any happier. This means that she will be promoted from girlfriend to fiance.

This also means I have a girfriend position available. Please submit your resume and interviews will commence shortly. (For legal reasons I must disclose that Kaela will be screening all applicants. I doubt she will find a qualified candidate.)

Congratulations and/or objections may be left by clicking on the “comments” link. Yay!

A Childhood Christian Melody

When I was a wee lad my parents sent me to a private Lutheran minimum security prison school. Lutherans have a long running tradition of singing during worship. Some of the songs I had to memorize still stick with me to this day. Most I just faintly remember the melodies. One of those is Jesus Loves the Little Children. The other day I had some trouble remembering the actual lyrics so I just made up my own.

Jesus loves Hot Pockets
All Hot Pockets of the world
Pepperoni, sausage, cheese
All are yummy in their sleeves
Jesus loves Hot Pockets of the world!

I believe my interpretation falls under the parody clause of Fair Use. I’d like to see if God will sue me again.

A Letter from God

A few days ago I received a letter in the mail that shook me to the core. It was a Cease and Desist Order direct from God himself.

September 7, 2008

Dear Mr. Kenneth W. Fager,

It has come to our attention that you, Kenneth W. Fager, have continued to praise The Almighty and His Subsidiaries® without the expressed written consent of the LORD.

The LORD, Jesus, and Holy Ghost are hereby issuing Kenneth W. Fager a CEASE AND DESIST order. Under the terms of His Divine Plan (4000 B.C) section 40 paragraph 7 “The LORD has the authority to designate whom among His Creation (in this case Kenneth W. Fager) will be granted the gift of the Gospel (see New Testament for more information). The LORD also retains the right to revoke said gift of the Gospel.”

According to our records Kenneth W. Fager received a Notice of Divine Revocation on April 26, 2008. In direct defiance of the Notice of Divine Revocation clauses, Kenneth W. Fager has continued to praise The Almighty and His Subsidiaries®.

If public or private praise of The Almighty and His Subsidiaries® continues past September 14 then The LORD et al will seek monetary damages to the tune of € 1,700,000,000,000,000.

Unconditional Love,
Yahweh
Jesus H. Christ
Holy Ghost

Undersigned:
Weinstein Legal Partners

PS: I’m just kidding mate. You are one of my favorites. Keep on praisin’. I’ll leave the door open for when you come home in six months. – GOD

Imagine my relief when I read that last line. Being sued for Euros? How could I ever pay that off with the horrid exchange rate? I’m glad He’s got a sense of humor.

A Natural Birth

It is getting to the point in my life where my friends are getting pregnant. I know that natural childbirth involves a lot of pain, pushing, and a higher degree of danger for the expecting mother. For years I thought this meant stringing up the pregnant mother to a tree and having a good whack at her piñata style until the child was delivered. I have just recently learned that this is false. This is what happens when parents don’t talk to their children about the birds and the bees. Do you really want your kids filling in the gaps themselves?