I was digging through some old papers and discovered old doodles. Is this a statement of two seperate facts, or a singular assertion about God’s existence? The questions outnumber the answers offered by this doodle.
Category Archives: theology
A Letter from God
A few days ago I received a letter in the mail that shook me to the core. It was a Cease and Desist Order direct from God himself.
September 7, 2008
Dear Mr. Kenneth W. Fager,
It has come to our attention that you, Kenneth W. Fager, have continued to praise The Almighty and His Subsidiaries® without the expressed written consent of the LORD.
The LORD, Jesus, and Holy Ghost are hereby issuing Kenneth W. Fager a CEASE AND DESIST order. Under the terms of His Divine Plan (4000 B.C) section 40 paragraph 7 “The LORD has the authority to designate whom among His Creation (in this case Kenneth W. Fager) will be granted the gift of the Gospel (see New Testament for more information). The LORD also retains the right to revoke said gift of the Gospel.”
According to our records Kenneth W. Fager received a Notice of Divine Revocation on April 26, 2008. In direct defiance of the Notice of Divine Revocation clauses, Kenneth W. Fager has continued to praise The Almighty and His Subsidiaries®.
If public or private praise of The Almighty and His Subsidiaries® continues past September 14 then The LORD et al will seek monetary damages to the tune of € 1,700,000,000,000,000.
Unconditional Love,
Yahweh
Jesus H. Christ
Holy Ghost
Undersigned:
Weinstein Legal Partners
PS: I’m just kidding mate. You are one of my favorites. Keep on praisin’. I’ll leave the door open for when you come home in six months. – GOD
Imagine my relief when I read that last line. Being sued for Euros? How could I ever pay that off with the horrid exchange rate? I’m glad He’s got a sense of humor.
Abandoned Along H41
Proof that God has a sense of humor exists. In the Creation Story of Genesis we find that the Almighty separated light from dark, the water from the land, and populated it with flora and fauna. To rule over all His creation the Almighty creates man. Despite the illustrious position, man is ill-qualified to dominate the forces of Nature. He is powerless to prevent the sun from rising, the oceans reclaiming land, or predators preying on the weak. This is the first joke God played.
About five miles north of Kaukauna, Wisconsin there is an abandoned lot along Highway 41. The solitary structure has vehicles parked in its driveway, which led me to believe that despite its decrepit state was occupied. Upon closer inspection I was delighted to discover that it was only a squatter’s domain. The lot was also surrounded by a communal dump. With no rhyme or reason cars, busses, trailers, and other large refuse littered the landscape. The beauty in decay is not difficult to find or appreciate. Despite man’s machination Nature continues to eat away at steel and rob well-engineered structures of their integrity. There-in lies God’s great joke. Slowly and surely the eternal forces of creation continue despite mankind’s oversight. I have posted just over 100 photos of the property in an album on Flickr.
That was deep.
Winning Reception
If the people who ran Green Bay practiced football as a religion, I would be burned at the stake for renouncing long ago my love of the game. The Packers, Brett Favre, and the ongoings of the season ebb and flow every year without gaining insomuch as a murmur of intrigue from me. The other night, however, I caught a piece of advertising that was truly brilliant.
Nike’s “Leave Nothing” commercial spoke volumes without saying nary a word. The camera follows Shawn Merriman as a pummels his way through oncoming opponents on his defensive march. The backgrounds, players, and weather conditions fluidly shift every few fleeting moments. Near the endzone Merriman forces a critical error and Steven Jackson gains the ball. The opposing goal now in sight, he begins the march. All the while, the slow and methodic bagpipes from the Last of the Mohican’s track “Promontory” crescend. With only grunts and the clashing of helmets these gridiron warriors bellowed forth their drama. In the final moment, without clear resolution, we are left suspended.
It is rare, exceedingly rare, for me to take notice to advertising, let alone advertising for a product I have a particular distaste for. Bravo advertising firm on creating this work of art. But I still hate football and Nike shoes.
Legitimizing Religion
I now understand why people seek religion. Having grown up with Jesus’ love in my heart, mind, toes, appendix, and other miscellaneous body parts I have never been without the comfort. But be the person Christian, Jew, Islamic, Hindu, or Other there is solace to be found. It would only take the divine power of an almighty deity to spare an individual from a screening of Bratz – The Movie. Pray my children… pray.
Scariest Church Building Ever
A while back I was wandering down to the Museumsufer (museum district) of Frankfurt when I came across a most peculiar church. As John Q. Potentialnewbeliever walking down the street, how inviting does this look to you?
This is the heart of Scientology in Frankfurt. I’m really not suprised that their main street-level door would be sheet metal with an ominous camera hole. The Bundesregierung (government) does not officially recognize Scientology as a religion for good reason. They have all the markings of a highly organized totalitarian cult. Scientology is a religion founded by L. Ron Hubbard in which members have to pay to advance to the highest level. Tom Cruise and John Travolta are the to two most famous celebrities involved in the religion. Obviously for everyone else without the clout the financial hurdle makes it a bit difficult to obtain the highest level.
Not only does Scientology sqeeze money out of its followers, but it also harasses anyone who attempts to investigate the cult. The BBC recently ran a controversial piece on the program Panorama. The Church also has been waging an ongoing crusade against internet websites such as Operation Clambake. This site regularly gets DMCA take-down notices sent to major search engines, which temporarily block access to anyone looking to brush up on Scientology facts. If you are looking for an entertaining way to find out just what Scientologists believe, I highly recommend the South Park episode entitled “Trapped in the Closet.” If you live the L.A. area you can wander on over to the Scientology Museum installation called Psychiatry: An Industry of Death, where they claim that Psychiatry is nothing but Nazi science. I would need a steel door on my church too if I made such ridiculous claims.
Gott schafft uns. Wer macht Christ?
If you believe in some form of Christianity you believe that God formed all that is in six days and rested on the seventh. These exploits are well documented in the beginning of His perennial best-seller The Old Testament. The sequel, The New Testament, chronicles the day-to-day excursions of His son Jesus Christ. The popularity of the New Testament is huge among Christian fans, but not so much among God’s own chosen people, the Jews. Despite the disparity in sales figures God continues to lead on the New York Times Bestseller List.
In many ways Jesus followed in the footsteps of his father. He walked around and did way neato things for people who would come to see him. The Romans cut short his 33 year tour here on Earth, playing to record capacity crowds, but his legacy lived on. His band mates continued to cover his material well after his death with varying degrees of success at various venues. Jesus did amazing things during his time here on Earth, but one particular aspect is not fully fleshed out in great detail in The New Testament. The New Testament mentions that Jesus was a carpenter. We can assume, therefore, that Jesus had a creative side and a knack for creating useful household items such as tables, chairs, and other furnishings. Jesus’ heavenly Father was an interior decorator and the young entrepreneur tried his hand at the craft on his own.
Located just off Königsplatz (King’s Place) in Kassel, Germany, is this small and unassuming interior decoration business. The logo states “Wir schaffen Wohn(t)räume.” Without the “t” this means “We create living spaces.” With the “t” included it translates to “We create living (dream) rooms.” Very clever wordplay on Jesus part. He also gets points for incorporating the plural pronoun as part of the catch-phrase incorporating the triune nature of His deity.
Note: The business was not open because it was the Sabbath.
Intellectual Word Play
“He had a stroke of genius.”
Questions:
- Why do great and revolutionary ideas occur in strokes?
- Is it not potentially life threatening then, to be a genius?
- Would said stroke and its effects impair the genius’ capability to relate the idea to others?
- Is is possible to have a “gran mal seizure” of genius?
- Are the maladies that follow such monumental moments of genius limited to the brain? e.g. A heart attack of clarity. An infarction of prodigy. Renal failure of brilliance. Diabetes of erudition.
- Would I have to then alert my insurance company of my intelligence quotient, thereby making it more difficult to obtain adequate heath insurance coverage?
- (Darwin Warning: Christians jump ahead to question 9.) Is it possible that nature has a built in Darwinian mechanism to severely limit the reproductive capabilities of geniuses by striking them with such maladies?
- If yes to question 7.: Does the function of such maladies serve a purpose, that being mantaining the intellectual hegemony of the species?
- (This question is for the bible thumpers who dispute Darwin out of hand.) Why does God love to smite the smarties?
The God Machine
Deus ex machina seeks oil-based lubrication and followers. Engineers with machine-tool experience will be given priority. Oil industry personnel need not apply, while deus ex machina only uses perpetually sustainable environment friendly energy sources.
God Used the CLI
Little known fact: God used the Command Line Interface to create the Guided User Interface we all know and love. He could have avoided all the hardware issues with the ‘sudo’ command.